I Think I Was A Person

from Not Dead Yet by Rae Spoon

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about

The depersonalization I experienced during my treatment was partially due to medical trauma and human rights violations. There were moments when I had no idea who I was due to treatments and medications while I was simultaneously being misgendered and mistreated. There were other moments when people I thought I loved could not see me as a person anymore through their biases of my experience of my sickness/disability. I tried to change how medical professionals defaulted to the wrong gender for me and decided that I no longer had space in my life for people who made me feel abject because they were ableist.

lyrics

V1: I think I was a person before I came here.
Now I’m just a question twisted in fear.
I don’t have a witness and I don’t have a name.
I think I’m a body they’re trying to save.

V2: We held it in the sunshine. We held it in the rain.
I shouldn’t have married out of pain.
I know it’s my fault, everything that came.
I burned down smaller while you held the flame.

Chorus: I want to live, but not like this.
I want to live, but not like this.

V3: Standing on my stairs calling me names.
If you could pick it up you threw it my way.
But everything you stole, I found again.
I was scared, scared, scared but I held my place.

You saw me as a person before I came here.
All you see the bed and you smell like fear.
No one asked you to stay. No one asked you to stay.
I had an army of love anyway.

Chorus

V4: I might not have time to get it right,
But I’m racing the road in the middle of the night.
And if there are better days
I’ll know that some things can’t be burned away.

I think I was a person before I came here.
Now I’m just a question twisted in fear.
I don’t have a witness and I don’t have a name.
I’m just a body they’re trying to save.

credits

from Not Dead Yet, released November 8, 2023
Rae Spoon - Vocals, Synths, Drum Programming, Guitar
Laurie Anne Torres - Synths
Evelyn Charlotte Joe - Bass Synth, Bass Arrangement
Sarah Rossy - Vocals, Vocal Arrangements, Rhodes, Piano
Sorrel Mommi - Violin

Cover Photo by Wynne Neilly

All Songs Written and Produced by Rae Spoon©2023 SOCAN
Bass, Synths, Keys, Vocals, Guitars recorded by Rae Spoon at Biome Studio
Vocals and Rhodes at Chex Ballsy recorded by Isabelle Banos in Montreal
Harp, Violin, Guitar and Vocals recorded by Grace Chiang at Echoplant in Vancouver
Piano, Vocals, Guitar and Organ recorded by Ky Brooke at Hotel 2 Tango in Montreal
Mixed by Branwen Munn
Mastered at CPS Mastering by Elisa Pangsaeng

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Rae Spoon

Rae Spoon is a musician, songwriter, producer, multi-instrumentalist, and author. Rae has been nominated for two Polaris Music Prizes, a Lambda Literary Award, and a Western Canadian Music Award. They have toured internationally (Canada, Europe, the USA, Australia, China). Rae is a non-binary, trans artist who lives with multiple disabilities. ... more

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