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Not Dead Yet

by Rae Spoon

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1.
ICU 03:00
V1: It’s easier to hold when I’m alone. I pack my bones and sing them home. I can hear the rattles, the whispers and the moans of that new road. I might have to go. Chorus: Then I see you and I turn back into an animal. I’d do anything to stay. I’d fight l and scratch and claw. You can’t come with me, and you don’t know what to say. I promise I won’t haunt you Especially if I stay. V2: The trees say when I fall, I won’t go to waste. I can lay right there. I will have a place. And the kids are alright but don’t make them live my life. There are better ways Let them pick their lives and names. Chorus
2.
V1: I think I was a person before I came here. Now I’m just a question twisted in fear. I don’t have a witness and I don’t have a name. I think I’m a body they’re trying to save. V2: We held it in the sunshine. We held it in the rain. I shouldn’t have married out of pain. I know it’s my fault, everything that came. I burned down smaller while you held the flame. Chorus: I want to live, but not like this. I want to live, but not like this. V3: Standing on my stairs calling me names. If you could pick it up you threw it my way. But everything you stole, I found again. I was scared, scared, scared but I held my place. You saw me as a person before I came here. All you see the bed and you smell like fear. No one asked you to stay. No one asked you to stay. I had an army of love anyway. Chorus V4: I might not have time to get it right, But I’m racing the road in the middle of the night. And if there are better days I’ll know that some things can’t be burned away. I think I was a person before I came here. Now I’m just a question twisted in fear. I don’t have a witness and I don’t have a name. I’m just a body they’re trying to save.
3.
Living More 03:34
V1: You showed up like a pop song that’s everywhere until it’s gone. And you didn’t do much for me but take the melody. Sometimes I think I hear you at night out of the cars that drive by. But I know you’re just singing lies. Now I wish I’d never learn the lines. Chorus: Since I almost died I’ve been living more. I don’t need your tears. I don’t need your door. I don’t need an anchor anymore. Since I almost died I’ve been living more. V2: You thought you were a gift, but all I felt was loneliness. That bell was always going to ring. Found out love means different things. But I don’t have to get caught in blaming you for not. You thought you burned down my house, but I found my own way. Chorus
4.
V1: It’s a simple complication to be all messed up right now. My heart knows no location, but it held me anyhow. I thought I’d been everywhere, but I’ve never seen this shape. I don’t know what it’s building. I hope I have the time it takes. Chorus: I hope I have the time. I hope I have the time. I hope I have the time. I hope I have the time. V2: I met you when I was twenty. You let me sleep on your couch. I loved you when you were a drag king and then a drag queen when you came out (again) You came across the country just as soon you found out. I want another twenty years so I can see how you turn out. Chorus
5.
V1: If this is a battle why am I the only one in the room? You tell me to fight for my life there nothing I can do (besides) Chorus: Shake shake shake, shake, shake shake Shake shake shake, shake, shake shake Shake shake shake, shake, shake shake Shake shake shake, shake, shake shake V2: Do I have beg a million times to be called what I am? Do you ever wonder why I can’t be here unless I take an Ativan (or I’ll just) Chorus V3: You can tell me what you heard cures cancer and how I might have made myself sick. and If I die, did I lose my battle? Love me while I’m here you hypocrites. Chorus I can feel the lights. I can hear the stage. I’ve been everywhere. I want to do it all again. The people that I love each hold a string I want to see my whole family I can hear the highway. I can see the way. Everywhere I’ve been. I want to do it all again I can feel the lights. I can hear the stage. I want to see my whole family Conc: Love me while I’m here you hypocrite. Love me while I’m here you hypocrite. Love me while I’m here you hypocrite. Love me while I’m here you hypocrite.
6.
Open Heart 02:56
V1: Nothing is more expansive than trying to keep an open heart Sometimes it feels like dying but we’re holding out to make a world apart. Chorus: Open heart lead me wherever I go. And they’ll never break me if I have an open heart Open heart lead me wherever I go. And they’ll never break me if I have an open heart V2: Nothing is more expensive than trying to change someone’s heart. But I’m hoping when they see we’re hurting we become human and they help us blow this place apart.
7.
WTFIT 02:03
V1: If I took off my shirt would you say what the fuck is that? I’d say a lot of money that I didn’t really have. And I waited twenty years just so I could look like that. I would have done it sooner, but I didn’t have the cash. Chorus: What the fuck is. What the fuck is. What the fuck is that? I’m the what the, what the fuck is, what the fuck is that? V2: If I took off my clothes would you say what the fuck is that? I’d say cancer came and changed what I had. I did not chose my journey. But I’ll rearrange my plans. I learned where the edge is and all the shapes I am. Chorus
8.
If I Hold On 02:58
V1: I can’t remember and I can’t forget everything they did. I begged them to put me under, but they let the nightmare in. Watch me while I sleep. I don’t trust myself. Anyone could end up here on this side of hell. Chorus: If I hold on, If I hold on it’ll tear me in half. If I hold on, If I hold on it’ll tear me in half. If you hold on. If you hold on. It'll tear you in half. If you hold on. If you hold on. It'll tear you in half. V2: I was in this place before when I was a kid. There was no one to ask for help, and no one ever did. Now I have a family. They teach me how to live. They’ll watch me while I sleep tonight. Like no one ever did. Pre-Chorus: Laying on the floor. Who am I singing for? Laying on the floor. Who am I singing for? Chorus Conc: Laying on the floor. Who am I singing for?
9.
V1: If I took off my shirt would you say what the fuck is that? I’d say a lot of money that I didn’t really have. And I waited twenty years just so I could look like that. I would have done it sooner, but I didn’t have the cash. Chorus: What the fuck is. What the fuck is. What the fuck is that? I’m the what the, what the fuck is, what the fuck is that? V2: If I took off my clothes would you say what the fuck is that? I’d say cancer came and changed what I had. I did not chose my journey. But I’ll rearrange my plans. I learned where the edge is and all the shapes I am. Chorus

about

Dear listener, thank you for your interest in my album, Not Dead Yet. “Not Dead Yet” is a common saying in cancer communities to remind ourselves and others that we’re still living full lives in spite of whatever treatments we’re going through or cancer status we have.

I was diagnosed with cancer in March 2020, three days after I returned home from a tour for COVID-19 isolation. I was forced into the health care systems I had previously avoided because of how I was treated as a trans/non-binary person with CPTSD.

These songs are intended to be an expression of the unpredictable joy I discovered despite discrimination, indignities, medical abuse, relationship break downs and near-death experiences. I found who my people were, communities that engage in mutual support and that I no longer fear death or living. I developed a deep respect for health care workers and found that being in relationship often bridged our differences.

My treatment has not been linear and the impacts on my body and mind are ongoing. I hope singing about my experiences creates more space for under-represented folks in healthcare systems. Though, health experiences are as nuanced as each individual person, disability justice, universal health care and universal human rights are goals that serve everyone.

credits

released November 8, 2023

Rae Spoon - Vocals, Synths, Drum Programming, Guitar, Piano, Percussion
Laurie Anne Torres - Synths
Evelyn Charlotte Joe - Bass Synth, Bass Arrangement
Sarah Rossy - Vocals, Vocal Arrangements, Piano, Solina, Organ, Rhodes
Sorrel Mommi - Violin
Gem Hall - Harp
Betta Lemme – Piano

Cover Photo by Wynne Neilly

All Songs Written and Produced by Rae Spoon ©2023 SOCAN
Bass, Synths, Keys, Vocals, Guitars recorded by Rae Spoon at Biome Studio
Vocals and Rhodes at Chex Ballsy recorded by Isabelle Banos in Montreal
Harp, Violin, Guitar and Vocals recorded by Grace Chiang at Echoplant in Vancouver
Piano, Vocals, Guitar and Organ recorded by Ky Brooke at Hotel 2 Tango in Montreal
Mixed by Branwen Munn
Mastered at CPS Mastering by Elisa Pansaeng

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Rae Spoon

Rae Spoon is a musician, songwriter, producer, multi-instrumentalist, and author. Rae has been nominated for two Polaris Music Prizes, a Lambda Literary Award, and a Western Canadian Music Award. They have toured internationally (Canada, Europe, the USA, Australia, China). Rae is a non-binary, trans artist who lives with multiple disabilities. ... more

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